Senior But Not Senile

This is hysterical! I really can't go into WalMart anymore after reading this:

I Can't Shop at Walmart Anymore. Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags
of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Bubba and Annie. I was about to
check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think--
that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I
didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and
IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the
parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he
was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

This was received from a Catholic who thinks
We all need to laugh at ourselves once in a while.



An Irish daughter had not been home
For over 5 years. Upon her return,
Her Father cursed her heavily.


'Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us,
Not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
Understand what ye put yer old mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff
....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, yeshameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad--as ye wish.
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
Title deed to a 10-bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million
Savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes
Limited-edition convertible that's parked outside,
Plus a membership to the country club....
(takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend
New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....
A prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and
Give yer old dad a hug.

If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat... The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. He noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said,
'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster..' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll down...You'll love this ... check out the wink & read below the picture


'You got Male!'